Light and Dark

I feel so conflicted today. The day started out great. After General Conference yesterday I felt like I could have another go at being a good mom. I felt so good yesterday, after hearing Elder Ballard's talk. I'm sure you all felt the same way about it. I started laughing hysterically when he was describing his 'back row' experience at church with their 6 children while his wife was up front for a change. Then when he said that the joy of motherhood comes in glimpses and moments, I felt totally validated. I always feel bad, like I am not enjoying it enough. It helped to hear that my rare glimpses of joy and contentment aren't so unusual after all. I also liked how he said to take time to enjoy the doing and not just getting it done. I really need to do that, and I want to try. So I got up this morning, said a more meaningful prayer, and hugged each of my kids tight, telling them I loved them. This is a new goal for me. Normally I am so irritated with my kids for getting up before first light that I am already in a fairly bad mood by about 7:00 a.m. I am also guilty of being so 'get-it-done-minded' that I don't often take time to show my kids affection. We took Kenna to school and to prove how good I was going to be, I even took all 3 kids into the school, instead of leaving Emma in the car with Spencer. (I mean, I am in and out in under 5 minutes, the car is locked, and I have tinted windows, right?) I just hate hauling all the kids in and out. I know what you are all thinking, but at least I am being honest. When we got back from taking Kenna I put Spencer down for his nap and then made Emma a new reading chart on the computer while she did her 20 minutes of reading. As if that wasn't enough, I then read to her for 20 minutes too. Then I let her help me make tomato soup, actually pouring all the stuff in, doing all the stirring, etc. She was so elated. I hardly ever have the patience to let the kids do more than dump a couple teaspoons of something in. So, it will come as no surprise that by now (it is about 4:30 p.m.) I am totally out of gas for the day. It is like running a marathon and not pacing yourself, I guess. Somewhere in the middle of feeling bad about spending too much at Walmart for groceries earlier, being irritated that Spencer wouldn't take his 2nd nap, listening to Kenna whine that she wanted to watch another episode of Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears, and actually trying to sit down myself and watch part 2 of Sense & Sensibility, I lost it. Now I am yelling at the kids, feeling like I am reaching that boiling point. My only salvation today was the 3/4 bag of Chocolate Turtle Chex Mix I ate while I fed Spencer a snack.

It is addictive. It has chocolate covered & caramel covered chex, caramel corn, mini M&M's, honey-roasted peanuts, regular peanuts, and mini pretzels. I take the pretzels out and let Spencer have them. Anyway, it is a real pick-me-up, and apparently it has 50% less fat that potato chips, although I had some of those too. I feel like I should go for a walk with the kids now that the snow has stopped, but I dread the feeling that washes over me when we walk back in the house and the whining starts. Sorry, this was a long one, but I do feel a little better.