Bittersweet

So, even though Sean and I were both dead tired last night (due to no sleep the night before, due to a certain 7-month-old) we laid in bed and revamped our parenting tactics. Necessity is the mother of invention, as they say. For the last week Mackenna has been having accidents, several times a day. She gets right in front of the potty and screams "I can't hold it!", waits 30 seconds, and then wets her pants, the floor, bath mat, whatever is there at the time. It has been happening 3-5 times a day now. I didn't know what to do, so I told her I would take away her Care Bears, one by one, everytime she had an accident. Needless to say this broke her heart. I took her fluffy Wish Bear last night right before bed and felt horrible about it. I kept feeling like it wasn't right. She earned it a couple months back for having no accidents. So to me it was only logical to take it away. I was reading when Sean came upstairs and said he didn't think we were taking the right approach with her. See, she is so like him. Threats and extra force don't work on her at all. He said he thought she was crying out for attention, since Emma has started soccer and school within the last 2 weeks. Mackenna's school is still under construction, so she won't start school until Oct. 1st. He said it is hard to be the 2nd child and watch your older sibling get to do everything first, while being told you are too little to do the same things. Yesterday when Emma left for school Mackenna kept saying "I don't want you to go.....I don't want you to go...." and she put her backpack on and waited with Emma until she left for school. So, we decided that she needs a little extra something. Somehow, along with a whiny and attitude-clad almost-6-year-old, a very fussy and exhausting 7-month old, piles of laundry everywhere, clutter around every corner, and of course, the few precious moments of ME time i get every day, i now need to try and spend more one on one with Mackenna. This morning I let her paint and then right before Emma left for school I sat down and read books to them. I want to start working on school stuff with Kenna too - I just feel completely overwhelmed. It's all I can do to not cry my eyes out while I'm writing this. 95% of the time I feel that I was not meant to be a mother at all, even though I know the opposite is true. I had a mission president who always told us that our mission was a template for our life. I never understood in full what that meant until now. Spending one on one with my kids when I'd rather be reading or blogging is just as hard as golden questioning complete strangers when I'd rather stay in my apartment. Putting my heart and soul into parenting is just as hard as putting heart and soul into missionary work. There are a couple differences; I can go to the store any day of the week (except Sunday) and I got to choose my companion. But the work is much harder, because I have a vested interest in the outcome. 18 months from now I will still be worrying and caring about my kids. Never have I felt that I needed the Atonement more in my life than right now. To be honest I am scared to death that I have been entrusted with these precious spirits, when I am such a selfish person who often bows to the 'natural man'. I suppose this is all training for Godhood, right? Although, if ataining Celestial glory really means bearing children for eternity and having spirit-brats forever, I may opt for the Terrestrial. Okay, burn me now, please. On a more positive note, I gave a Book of Mormon to the African American lady that has been giving me cooking lessons, and she called yesterday to say that she loved it - that it was the perfect gift at the perfect time for her, as she had just lost a close family member, and that it was giving her a lot of comfort reading it! Life is so bittersweet.